I have a confession.
I did it again. I let “waste” win the battle over “flourish” this week. Instead of finding fulfillment in doing stuff that I love to do, I’ve spent most of this week wasting time in front of the television or on the internet. Neither of them are fulfilling and both of them steal time away from the things that are fulfilling.
I haven’t written. I haven’t photographed. I haven’t read. I haven’t done anything that brings me joy. I’ve just sat and stared at mindless entertainment. For hours.
I’ve also been sick. The last few days of the week I just felt off. I had a slight sore throat, my head and face hurt and I was a bit light-headed and woozy, but there wasn’t really anything major going on. Still, I ended up taking two days off of work. Looking back, I think my decision to stay home those two days was influenced not only by the physical issues but also (perhaps even more so) by some emotional ones. It’s been almost a year since I started a mild anti-depressant medication and, though I now have many more “good” days (and many more of those good days strung together) than bad, there are still bad days.
Days where I just want to ignore all of life. All of the responsibilities. All of the questions. All of the insecurities. All of the pressures. I just don’t want to deal with any of it. It’s hard for me to want to feel (much less do) much on those days. And sometimes I still succumb to the pressure to not do anything except zone out. Completely.
Somewhere in my mind, I think I hope that if I ignore all of it, it will all just go away. [pullquote width=”300″ float=”left”]I think I hope that if I ignore all of it, it will all just go away.[/pullquote] And somewhere else I am aware of how absurd that hope is and how vastly different it is from my normal “bring it on” personality. But last week was one of “those” weeks and I lost the battle to depression.
But, though I may have lost two battles this week, I refuse to lose the wars. So here I am again. Walking away from the wasters and toward the fulfillers. Reminding myself that change is more of a process than an event. And choosing, again, to take on another week.